


There is Suffering Too Terrible to Name

by littlekunoichi



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, References to Norse Religion & Lore, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark & Thor Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-12 19:26:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17473577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlekunoichi/pseuds/littlekunoichi
Summary: Tony has dreams. He understands in the dreams. He knows. Then, he wakes and only the caw of the ravens outside reminds him that the dream happened.Thor is worried. Why does Thanos know about Stark? Why did Strange sacrifice himself to save the genius?There is something happening. The stones are not done. They have more to say.





	1. Death Doesn't Discriminte Between the Sinners and the Saints

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at a multi chapter fic, so please be patient with me!
> 
> Things to know...  
> This does not follow the Endgame trailer.  
> Pepper and Tony were not in a romantic relationship. They love each other as brother and exasperated sister.  
> And yes, the title and chapter are Hamilton lyrics  
> Please give feedback! I want to better myself as a writer!

He dreamt. There was pain and there was fire.The rope around his neck tore at the soft flesh. He could feel the wetness of blood falling down his side, the white of the shirt he wore turned red. The rope burned but his side throbbed, the spear in his side piercing organs. Tearing his insides apart. Yet he wasn’t dying. The universe was burning burning burning, six brightly colored gems exploding. There was pain and there was fire, all the while they whispered.

_Secrets_   
_Secrets_   
_Secrets_

In the dream he knew. He knew why they whispered to him. What the secrets were. He knew why he hung from a tree, eyes fixed on the gems as the universe burned.

_He knew how to save it all._

He woke, heart racing, sweat cold. He woke to the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning while two ravens watched him through his window.

 _He couldn’t remember._  
___________________________________________________________________________

Nebula used Quill’s ship to bring Tony back. “I won’t stay. I will take you back to Earth and then I will go look for Thanos. I will avenge Gamora,” for someone who is more robotic than organic, the grief in her eyes surprised Tony. It shouldn’t.

“I understand.” It was a long journey, filled with horrified silence. His side still ached from where Thanos had stabbed him. His throat burned from lack of proper hydration and he seriously needed a shower. When they entered Earth’s atmosphere, FRIDAY came back online. Tony scrambled to find out everything he could, who was alive and who was…

“Boss?”

“Give it to me straight, babygirl. No training wheels. Pepper? Rhodey?”

“Colonel Rhodes is at the compound, boss. I’ve notified him and the others of your approximate arrival time. Ms. Potts... “ the hesitation in his AI’s voice told him everything. Tony started dry heaving, his heart pounding out of his chest. He’d already lost the kid. He should have known the universe wouldn’t be kind to him and allow Pepper to survive.

“Right, who else is at the compound? Who didn’t turn to dust?” He tried to keep his voice steady, not wanting the stone faced Nebula to hear the panic in his voice.  
“Captain Rogers, Agent Romanoff, Dr. Banner, and Thor are all currently at the compound. Agent Barton is also alive. He will be arriving at the compound within the week. He has been in contact with Agent Romanoff. Apparently one of his children survived and is rather traumatized.”

So he would have to face Rogers again. Tony could honestly say he was glad Steve had survived. He didn’t know how to process the idea of seeing him again, though. And Rhodey. At least he had someone he knew would understand, would know that Tony needed _to bring them back_. He had to bring them back. _The kid. Pepper._ Strange told him this was the only way. He traded the Time Stone for Tony’s life. That meant Tony had to do _something,_ anything. Panic was creeping back up his spine, cold sweat mingling with the grime that covered his body. He would take a shower. He would eat. He would drink until his throat no longer burned with need. And then, they would all sit down and talk.

“Stark, we’re here,” Nebula’s voice interrupted his inner monologue. A moment later he felt the ship touchdown on the ground. The back opened up and Tony whispered a quick thank you to the estranged daughter of Thanos and scrambled out. Nebula didn’t even bother saying goodbye. Tony heard the ship’s ramp shut and take off. He didn’t blame her.

Tony dropped to his knees, grasping at the grass, pulling it out of the earth and bringing it up to his face.

 

“Tony! TONES!” He looked up from the grass and saw Rhodey coming towards him, working the high-tech braces as hard as he could. Tony got up and ran towards him as well.

“Honeybear. Oh, fuck. FRIDAY said that Pepper… and _the kid_. Rhodes, the kid is gone. Fuck, why the kid and not me?” he was babbling, falling into Rhodey’s arms, the anxiety and trauma of the events bursting out of his lips after the prolonged silence he shared with Nebula.

“No offense, Tones, but you are definitely Tony Stank right now,” and the genius sputtered wetly at that because _of course_ Rhodey would know that what he needed more than anything right now was just the briefest reminder that no matter what, Rhodey was his friend. Rhodey, the one person in the vast universe who understood, who knew…

“Tony,” a male voice spoke from behind his honeybear. Tony froze. A voice he hadn’t heard in two years in person but had starred in his nightmares, in his grief.

Tony looked at him. _He has a beard now. Huh._ It makes him look older, more severe than ever. Still handsome, of course. Always handsome. _He looks haunted._ “Cap, see you’re channeling Thor these days. Couldn’t find any razors on the run?”

Steve looked at him wide eyed for a moment, taken by surprise that even in the midst of unparalleled tragedy Tony would have some sort of snarky comment. Then he seemed to remember who he was talking to as his mouth moved into a smirk and he said, “fuck it, I’m glad you’re back Stark. Now let’s get to work.”

“Language,” Tony smirked, “and I need three things first. Shower, food, and water. Lots of fucking water. And no one had better have been in my room. FRI, no one was in my room, right babygirl?” Tony started walking, Rhodey leaning on him as if the push to be the first to reach his friend had taken something from him.

“Of course not, Boss. I did allow Dr. Banner into the lab with limited access,” the Scottish brogue of his AI replied as they crossed the building’s threshold. Tony breathed a sigh. He was home.

“Tony, take care of yourself first. Get your mind in order and then meet us in the common area. We have a lot to discuss and I want to hear your side of things. There’s work to do,” Steve told him, stopping for a moment as they walked. “Listen, Stark. I know things between us haven’t been great…”

“Understatement of the decade, Cap,” the genius interrupted.

“But, we need you. We need your mind. For the sake of the universe, for the sake of those we love,” Steve choked on the words, “please, let’s set that aside. If we survive this all and fix it, you will never have to see me again if that’s what you want.”

“We’ll fix this Steve. We will. We have to. After that, I honestly don’t care what happens,” and with that Tony strolled away from both him and Rhodey. He needed a fucking shower. He needed the chance to comprehend that not only was Peter gone but Pepper. Then, and only then, could he stand to look at Steve’s stupidly handsome face.  
___________________________________________________________________________

They had been happy, _before_. While their first meeting on the helicarrier hadn’t gone well, they quickly discovered that there was a certain chemistry to them. Tony’s snark matched Steve’s sass. On paper they made no sense but face to face, well, Tony had never felt so exhilarated. He felt matched. No, Steve couldn’t compete with his technological genius but the soldier had no problem keeping up with Tony’s verbal dances.

Their first kissed had been born as a result of the growing sexual tension. After the collapse of SHIELD, Steve and Natasha had moved into the tower. Barton joined them occasionally, when he wasn’t staying with his secret family, of course.

The tension built slowly, it took months before they snapped. But, after a night of the two of them exchanging playful barb after barb to the point that Nat threw a throw pillow at them before leaving for the peace and quiet of her own room, the atmosphere between them changed. They started talking. The type of conversation that bares the soul. Tony spoke about living with Howard, of always being compared to Steve growing up. Steve talked about missing Bucky, about his anxiety of living in a world he does not recognize. No topic was off the table. Not the war, not Afghanistan, Obie, or Peggy.

The sun rose, the world bathed in soft oranges, pinks, and the slightest hint of red.

Steve leaned in first but Tony met him without hesitation.  
____________________________________________________________________________

For a brief moment, Tony thought about that first kiss while in the shower. He’d already washed the grime of battle away and was simply standing under the hot stream of water, letting the tenseness of his muscles loosen slightly. It was that first kiss that he had learned that Steve had the softest sighs, almost as if Steve was being put back together by Tony’s kisses. But then FRIDAY interrupted his thoughts before they could travel further, telling him that everyone was waiting for him in the common area. Regretfully, Tony turned off the blessed hot water and grabbed his towel to dry off.

Four bottles of water, a cup of coffee and a stack of peanut butter toast later, Tony walked into the common area to find a room full of people in mourning. There was no other way to put it. Nat was stone-faced, but not in her usual “I’m a spy” way. Bruce was curled up in the corner, wearing a shirt with sleeves far too long, a sign that his anxiety was nowhere near under control and the slightest provocation could lead to the color green. He fiddled with the sleeves, his tell. Tony took one look at Thor and knew he would never be able to comprehend the what had happened to the god. Rhodey was watching Tony, looking ready to jump to his protection the moment anyone even showed the slightest of negativity towards his best friend. Steve, well, Steve looked shattered and Tony could guess why. After all, Barnes isn’t there by his side so that must mean the Winter Soldier was one of the people lost to the snap.

Everyone had lost something.

“So, I was told Barton will be joining us eventually. Anything else I need to know before we get started?” Tony said, needing to just get this over with.

“Clint’s daughter survived the snap. But understandably she’s rather traumatized by watching her mother and siblings disappear before her eyes. He said that once he got her in a better place, he would be here,” Nat stated, her voice monotonous. “Other than that, the world is in pure chaos. Near as we can tell, exactly fifty percent of the Earth’s population was wiped out. Fury’s gone. So is Hill. Obviously those Avengers besides Clint that aren’t here were lost to the snap. Vision, however, is dead. Thanos ripped the Mind Stone from his head.” Tony winced at that image.

“There’s no real government or anything to lead at this time. There’s just too much chaos around the world. Everyone lost someone, people are too stunned with grief. Surprisingly there hasn’t even been any major grab for power, either,” Rhodes explained. “Right now, we are operating on the hope that no one is going to try and intercede with any efforts we make from here on out. We’ve basically agreed that for now, the Accords are moot. But other than that, we have no plans in motion. We had only just really started talking when Friday let us know that you were coming back. We wanted to hear what happened on your end before we move forward. Know all the details.”

“Fair enough,” Tony replied, softly, knowing that he would need to tell them everything. Strange, Titan, the Guardians, _Peter_.

It was Steve, of course, who made the final prompt, “so, let’s hear it, Tony. What happened out there?”

So he told them. He told them about getting aboard the flying donut spaceship. About Peter sneaking on. He spoke about saving Strange, about the decision to go to Titan. Meeting the Guardians, the plan that failed because _Quill just had to be emotional_ (not fair, Tony. You would be too. Fuck, you are). He explained his last push to stop Thanos, about how the alien _knew him_. He breathed before telling them about Strange’s exchange, his life for the stone, because he was scared about accusations of his inflated ego. When no one said anything, he sighed a breath of relief. They asked what happened after the snap. He told them how one by one the Guardians and Strange disappeared ( _it was the only way_ ).

“The kid, he… he…FUCK!” He can’t get the words to leave his mouth. He can’t repeat what Peter said ( _I don’t feel so good. I don’t want to go. I’m sorry_ ).

He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. Hecan’tbreathehecan’tbreatheheacan’tbreathe…

“Tony, Tony. Hey, Tony, it’s ok.” There’s a warm heavy hand on his shoulder. There’s the smell of familiarity in front of him. He opens his eyes, he hadn’t even realized they were closed, and sees Steve’s face, blue eyes filled with worry and grief. “Tony, just breathe. In and out. Slow. FRIDAY set a breathing rhythm for him, please. There just breathe in with the beats. Good. There you go. We understand. You don’t have to tell us about Peter.”

Tony breathes. Follows the rhythm FRIDAY has set. Steve removes his hand and Tony tries not to whimper at the loss.

Thor speaks for the first time since Tony came into the room. “It worries me that Thanos knew who you are. You have always been a bit of an enigma to me, Stark. While Jane is a brilliant scientist, even her brain holds no match for yours. You have sight, even if I do not always agree with it. Ultron and the Vision taught me this much.”

Everyone in the room is quiet at this.

“So, I’m willingly going to admit, I am in no place to even begin to think about that, Point Break.”

“Ready or not, we need to try and figure out what Thanos and Strange meant. You seem to be at the center of these things.”

Tony had been adamantly avoiding thinking about that. He didn’t want to be at the center of things. He just wanted Thanos dead, Pepper and Peter back, and he wanted to stop having nightmares filled with pain.

“I agree. There’s a common factor here, Tony. So, what do we do first?” Steve looked at Thor. That’s when Tony notices it. There’s been a shift in things since he left. Steve was no longer the de facto ruler and _it made sense_. Not because Steve had lost his leadership qualities. No. It’s because something has shifted in Thor. Even while grief-stricken, because there’s no other way to describe the Asgardian, he holds himself differently. He’s more regal. More confident without being filled with bravado and false entitlement. There’s a wisdom in him borne of suffering, a long life, and ancient knowledge. Thor had become the king he had once chosen to walk away from.

Tony needed to know what happened. There was something in the back of his mind that told him this was important. “Thor, what happened to you?”


	2. I am the One Thing in Life I Can Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony just has too much going on in his life, poor guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am going to attempt to update weekly. So hopefully the next chapter will be out by next Monday.... *fingers crossed*

Thor looked at him. Sometimes, it was hard to remember that Thor had lived a life ten times longer than the oldest humans ever would and yet, he was considered a young man by his world’s standards. Thor’s face spoke of grief and growth. The Asgardian, while having the capability to be serious and focus, had always been filled with the arrogance of youth and always being the strongest guy in the room. But now, there was a maturity written into his face that hadn’t been there the last time Tony had seen him.

 

“Asgard is gone. My father died which caused my vile sister, the Goddess of Death, to be released from her prison. She destroyed my hammer. I ended up on some strange planet with an insane leader. Found Banner, escaped said strange planet and made it backed to fight Hela who couldn’t be defeated,” Thor spoke in a monotone of someone who couldn’t begin to comprehend the words he was actually saying. He knew the events he was describing, yet, it hadn’t sunk in yet. Tony knew how that felt. “So, Loki, Banner, and I brought about the prophesied end of my homeland. Then, on our way to Earth with my people, Thanos attacked our ship, killed many of my people and snapped Loki’s neck before taking the Space Stone. So, I swore to kill Thanos, gained my new ax. I failed in killing Thanos and so half of the universe was killed.”

 

Everyone stared at the God of Thunder for a long moment. That is, besides Bruce. The silence was becoming awkward, like everyone was starting to realize that  _ so much had changed. _ They were nowhere near the same team that had fought in Sokovia against Ultron. They never would be again. “Bruce? Have you figured out your whole issue with the big guy?” Tony, ever the one to avoid any awkwardness, broke the silence.

 

Bruce, for the first time since he walked into the room, looked at Tony. He was engulfed in the oversized grey sweater. It reminded Tony of how the scientist looked after Wanda had used her powers to trigger the Hulk into a destructive rage. He looked lost, he looked tired, but most importantly, Bruce looked  _ sad. _ In all the time that Tony had known him, Bruce had never looked sad. Resigned, furious, enrage, even defeated. Not sad. It worried Tony.

 

“No, no matter what I did during the battle in Wakanda, he refused to come out. Asshole spent two years controlling my body, fighting for a living on some hellish planet but when the universe is at stake, he decides to take a vacation,” Bruce muttered the end bitterly. 

 

“We need to make a list, a game plan. This is bigger than anything we’ve ever dealt with before. Just charging in and hoping that our strength will outmatch our opponent’s obviously isn’t going to work,” Natasha followed. “Hulk is out of commision for now, but we still need your brain Bruce. Tony, yours too. There has to be a way to reverse this. So where do we start?”

 

“Has anyone talked to Wong from the New York Sanctum? Bruce?” Tony asked. 

“No, but I think that’s a good start. He has knowledge that we don’t. He might have some ideas of what we could do,” Bruce answered. 

 

“Okay, so first step tomorrow is we go to the New York Sanctum and talk to this Wong. I think we need to break for the night. We’re still exhausted, still recovering. This whole process is not going to be overnight. We need to do it properly and being sleep deprived, not giving ourselves the time to recover won’t do anyone any favors. Tony, FRIDAY mentioned you were injured. Can you have Bruce check you over?” Steve looked at him, imploringly. Tony accepting medical attention had always been a point of contention between the two of them. 

 

“Fine. But only because it’s my Brucie-pie.” Tony got up from his seat, “meet me in the lab?”

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

Tony dreamed that night, the same dream that had been haunting him for months. It was always the same. The tree, the spear in his side,  _ blood blood blood _ . 

 

They were always there, whispering.  _ Secrets secrets secrets. _

 

Six stones. The universe burning. This permeating feeling of intense understanding. 

Tony woke, covered in sweat, to Thor sitting at the end of his bed. 

“How long have you been dreaming of my father’s familiars?” Tony looked at him in surprise. Familiars? What? He just stared at the Asgardian god. “My father had two raven familiars, Hugin and Munin. They sat on my father’s shoulders and told him the secrets of the universe. It’s said that any other being would go mad with the knowledge they would whisper into his ears.”

 

“All I know, is that I’ve been having the same dream for months. I’m hanging from a tree with a spear in my side as the universe burns. I know how to fix  _ everything _ in the dream. It’s there. I could bring back  _ Peter _ .” Tony tried not to sob at the thought. He knows that whatever solution he knows in the dream to fix everything, it’s real. It’s not just a dream.

 

Thor stares at him, obviously not expecting this answer. “Stark, I am afraid for you. There is something at work here. These dreams, these images you are describing are identical to my father’s youth. He craved wisdom, he craved knowledge and so he repeatedly sacrificed himself in order to gain what he wanted. He hung from a tree for nine days, with a spear in his side to gain knowledge to defeat his foes.”

 

Tony felt like he was in a mythology course. He knew that Thor and his family were the stuff of legends. Fuck, there’s a day of the week named after the God of Thunder who was currently seated at the end of his bed, looking at him like Tony had grown a second head. 

 

“Listen, Thor, buddy, I know I tout how extraordinary I am all the time but I’m just human with some extra intelligence and shit ton of anxiety. I don’t know what you think these dreams mean, but I’m sure it’s just stress,” Tony rambled, more trying to convince himself than anything.

 

“Stark… Tony, if there’s anything I have learned in the last few months is that things are not always clear cut. I thought I was working to prevent Ragnorak. I thought my purpose in the grand scheme of everything was to stop the destruction of Asgard. Instead, I actually instigated it in order to stop Hela from destroying everything. Tony, you are a fierce warrior who uses tactics and strategy rather than relying on your brute strength. You are not unlike my father in that aspect. The fact that Thanos spoke of knowing you, and Strange sacrificed the Time Stone in order to save your life… that tells me these dreams are not some stressed induced whimsy. We must tread carefully, my friend. The universe has a plan, and you are at the center of it.” 

 

Tony did not know how to respond. “So, what do we do? Where do we go from here, Thor?”

 

“For now, let us keep this between the two of us. I know that you and Rogers are no longer together, but he still cares for you greatly. I do not imagine he will react well to such knowledge. I think, for now, we will just try and figure out what these dreams mean without including the others.” 

 

“I don’t see this going well, especially with Steve. But, yeah. Let’s not involve anyone else in this for now. Maybe I’ll be lucky and these damn dreams disappear,” he chokes a laugh out, knowing that with his spectacular luck that was highly unlikely. 

 

“Goodnight, Stark. Let me know if anything with these dreams change,” and with that Thor walked out of his bedroom.

 

Tony tried to fall back asleep.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

When 5 A.M. rolled around, Tony gave up trying to fall back asleep. Thor’s words kept running through his head and he couldn’t focus on anything else. Groaning as he rose from the bed, his body ached from the lack of sleep while healing from a major injury. He made his way to the kitchen, the unexpected smell of coffee leading the way. He stopped short when he saw who was the reason for the coffee aroma permeating his senses.  _ Steve _ . His back was to Tony, sitting on a stool at the kitchen counter, starting into space.  _~~I really don’t mind the beard~~. _

 

“I see your early rising habits haven’t gone away,” Tony broke the silence and he saw Steve tense for a moment. It was odd, seeing this man who he once knew like the back of his hand, sitting there feeling like a stranger. It hurt. His heart ached, seeing that stupidly handsome face.  _ Why did you have to hide the truth, Steve? Why do I still love you? _

“Always have, always will. Even when I was some sickly kid in Brooklyn, I woke at the crack of dawn,” Steve smiled at him. 

 

_ Where is this going to go, Steve? Because even now, I don’t know if I could say no to you. _

“Tony, can we talk? Please, just, after everything I can’t stand not talking about all this. Please?” The look on Steve’s face was devastating for Tony’s resolve, what little he had.

 

“Yeah, we can talk. But, I reserve the right to walk away from this at any point. Understood?” He was not going to be trapped in a conversation with Captain America.

 

“Of course, Tony. Of course.” He stopped. He looked at Tony, biting his lip. Tony wasn’t sure what to make of that, Steve wasn’t the type to hesitate in conversation. Their numerous fights while dating proved that to Tony. To see Steve nervous did nothing to put Tony at ease. “This might be too little, too late but… I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you Tony. I was scared. I was scared of what would happen to Bucky. I was scared of what would happen between us. You deserved to know the truth about how your parents died, Tony.”

 

Tony felt a sweeping push of rage flow through his body. Steve’s right, he did deserve to learn the truth outside of that awful experience in that fucking bunker in Siberia. “Yeah, I did. I deserved to know that my mom was murdered. I don’t give a shit about Howard, but it would have been nice to find out that Howard’s drunken ways didn’t kill her  _ without seeing the video of her being choked to death _ .” 

 

Steve looked like a child who had been chastised by their mother. “Steve, this isn’t going to be fixed by some magical conversation. We aren’t going to be best buddies just because some crazy alien decided he could determine who deserved to live and die. What happened in Siberia doesn’t just disappear from my mind. You broke my fucking heart, Steve. Yeah, the fight sucked, and my chest hurt for weeks afterwards. But that did not even begin to compare to losing the person I loved. I fucking loved you so much, Steve, and then you go and do that shit? You hide something so important from me? Even knowing that I’ve dealt with similar stuff in the past? To me, it was a worse betrayal than finding out that Obie was selling my weapons on the black market!” Tony was breathing hard, two years of pain and betrayal pouring out of his mouth.

Steve was pale. “I never thought it like that. I was so caught up in looking for Bucky, in saving Bucky that I never thought of how much it would affect you. Fuck, Tony, I can’t even begin to explain how sorry I am. I know we may never truly be okay again. I was selfish. I put my friend before you. I put my past before you. I…” Steve broke off there, choking back a sob. “I still love you, Tony. I will always love you. When I found out that you ended up on that spaceship in New York, I thought I’d lost you in a way I could never imagine. I thought I’d never see you again.” Tears were flowing down the soldier’s face, a look of utter devastation dominating his handsome feature. Tony watched a tear flow down his face, eventually becoming one with the beard. 

Tony didn’t know what to say anymore. Yes, he still loved Steve. But, was that a good thing? Did that mean he was weak, unable to separate himself from harmful situations? Seeing Steve cry, it was hard not to just reach out and hold him, breathe in the smell of him. His heart was aching to just shove everything aside, ignore what happened, just so he could be encased in those arms again. He needed time to think, to process. Everything was too much. He’d just held Peter as he faded away into nothingness. He’d lost Pepper. He was having insane dreams. He could not handle his feelings for Steve right at that moment. 

 

“I just need to walk away from this for now, Steve. Thank you for the apology. But, I cannot deal right now. We need to focus on bringing everybody back. I need Peter and Pepper back and I’m sure you want Barnes back. That’s our focus. I’ll work with you, we can be teammates. Just, don’t expect anything more.” 

 

“I understand, Tony. I do. I’m gonna go for a run, clear my head. We’ll work on our game plan for today when everyone else is up.” With that, Steve turned and walked out of the room, Tony wishing he could follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think! Follow me on tumblr @aninconsistentwriter


End file.
